InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "They wot not who make thither."

I feel like a failure. Like a coward. I saw the plans for the fight, but I did not go. It is not just the fact that I still feel somewhat ill at ease in the inner circle - they are more experienced than I, much older than I, and much closer to the Dark Lord than I. Yet I do not feel quite at home amongst the outer circle - not just due to my higher ranking, but for a multitude of reasons. I have not heard the news of any deaths yet, which is good. This leads me to believe that they did not need my help, which satisfies my qualms somewhat.

I cannot deny the true reason I stayed. I did not want to leave Narcissa. It is les than two months before we shall have our baby, and I do not want her to worry if I leave for a fight. I do not want to cause her any stress at all. And, I cannot deny it, I did not want to lose my life before our baby was born. Casualties frequently happen in battles such as the one last night, and I admit that I was somewhat afraid. But I cannot be ashamed of putting my family first. They are the most important things to me, no question about it. Obviously some compromise will have to be made, I cannot completely slack off from my Death Eating jobs - it would not go down well with my seniors and it is simply not in my nature - but I do have others to think of. The thought that something might happen to me before my son knows who I am is frightening, but when I think about it, so if the fact that the child will be here very soon.

But, I digress. I must work my hardest on the school to prove to the Dark Lord that I am a loyal servant. And sometime, I must again look up baby names.